WARNING: This is a page you'll NEVER see on any other Samui website - but we think you're grown up enough to realise its value to you.
Most businesses with a strong vested interest in attracting tourists to Samui never seem to stop harking on about how wonderful and idyllic everything is here - and never give a second thought to telling first-time vistors the other half of the story - the downside - as it were.
This page should help redress that imbalance because we know from our own experiences in the villa renting business , that nothing disappoints a first-time holidaymaker more than the curse of too high expections. These are caused firstly by lack of knowledge of third world countries generally and secondly by the totally distorted views obtained from glossy travel brochures with their touched-up photographes of "beautiful people" lolling around on beaches or sipping champagne by the poolside.
We think people ought to know as much as possible before booking their holiday - and we also believe its an insult to people's intelligence to give the impression that Samui is only about balmy weather, beaches and palm trees and a crystal clear ocean.
But let's face it. That's exactly what travel agents everywhere attempt to portray (with any destination - not only Samui), That the advertised location is something absolutely and fantastically idyllic - because they believe if they didn't do that, then droves of holidaymakers would be put off travelling there. Well, with the soaring number of holidaymakers coming to Samui every year - that's a problem this island will never have!
For our part we believe the truth rarely hurt anyone (but rather, it can empower them - because some people are very concerned and want to do something about the planet's problems) and if this article puts some folk off from visiting here then we genuinely believe we have rendered those people a good service. We would have done them a favour - saving them from having a bitterly disappointing holiday experience - based on too high an expectation.
We liken such gentle folk to the hapless Griswold family (from the movie; National Lampoon's - European Vacation) - but then again it is easy to observe that the majority of us are like the Griswolds to one degree or another - because being advised on, and being prepared for, a totally different experience never enters most people's minds. The Griswolds genuinely believed that the Rest of the World should be like the good old USA - and if not, why not? Our tip is - on Samui especially - be prepared for anything!
To be fair, tourist agencies thrive because they tell half-truths - and as Mark Twain once observed; "a half brick is like a half-truth - you can throw it farther." They tell us what they believe we want to hear. Yet, expectation still must remain the number one disappointment - otherwise every holiday taken anywhere in the world should never fail to please.
It's also fair to say that virtually only yesterday (or at least up to the early 60's) this little island was indeed what travel agencies would describe as a paradise on earth - that is - there were no cars or scooters here. But the sad truth is that as we write this article in March 2008, Samui is a place where the twenty-first century has collided head-on with the Stone Age!
What we have to realise is that Bangkok is currently the second most popular tourist hub on the planet - with ten-million visitors a year (London being the leading hub with fifteen-million) and fully 1.2-million of those arriving at Bangkok eventually end up here on this tiny island.
But places like London already had extensive road networks dating back centuries and it was that infrastructure (plus railways and steamships) that allowed tourism to gradually take off - and to grow steadily - and then fully blossom when the jet age came into being. But third-world Samui on the other hand was only 'discovered' in the jet age and because it hardly had any paved roads to begin with - it is now really struggling to cope. The tourists are arriving in their millions right now - and each year sees another increase in their numbers.
The townships (baans) and the over-crowded tourist haunts on Samui are by design and purpose located around the coastline - leaving the jungle interior virtually uninhabited - that's the paradise part! The urbanised areas on the other hand are concentrated in five main areas; Maenam, Bophut, Chaweng, Lamai and Nathon - the island's 'capital' and all these baans are served by the island's crumbling two-way potholed Ring Road. And it is in those conurbations that chaos reigns. Especially with the sheer amount of cars and scooters and the unkempt roads and broken-down pavements, which frankly, defy belief. Together with the chickens and dogs roaming averywhere you look - this never-ending melody of mayhem really has to be witnessed first hand - as no description could ever suffice. But try these on for size:
You're driving in downtown Lamai. Yesterday the road was there - today there is a yawning deep gap of 12-metres say. No road signs, no warnings, no lights, no workmen - no nothing except a gigantic crater in the road. You can't reverse because it seems like ten thousand cars are up your backside and you daren't go forward because you would risk breaking your axle - if not your neck. Yet believe it or not, cars and scooters will start to gingerly overtake you, in order to reach the other side and go onto their destinations as though they had encountered nothing unusual. They won't honk you or go into a road rage, they'll just leave you stranded there with your engine running and your mouth wide open! The so-called Ring Road (Moo 1) that circles the island is madness personified and trying to cross it on foot is an accident-waiting-to-happen - its like trying to cross the M25 at rush hour! Potholes just appear overnight and stay like that for weeks, months or years even. If a laden cement truck breaks down on some dangerous snakelike bend on Moo 1 - it just stays there while the owner goes off to have something to eat or drink. He'll even go home to sleep it all off - because he knows it'll still be there tomorrow - holding up a stream of traffic from dawn til dusk. This is Thai-Time remember not GMT.
Another quirky example: virtually every family on the island has at least one motor cycle. Kids start driving scooters at about nine or ten-years old (without any safety helmets or any kind of driving license or insurance) and like kids everywhere they treat driving a scooter - as fun - because to them it is fun. But the bike-riding parents themselves however have a different kind of death wish. This is because of their disconcerting but widespread habit of propping their youngsters (at eighteen months old even) on the pointed end of the saddle with the kid's tiny hands grabbing onto the handlebars for dear life. In the west, those parents would be doing five-years for endangering the lives of their children - ala Michael Jackson - but here it is so commonplace that no one seems to notice or even care. The ever-cynical farang have already given the toddlers a nickname - Samui Air Bags! The police on the island are not in any way, shape or form a proactive or even helpful force - frankly if they laid back any further they would fall on their asses. They are also suseptable to taking 'tea-money' (a euphamism for corruption) as indeed are many of the local officials you have to deal with here. Yet, its just another way of life.
Other things you'll encounter: In Thailand it is customary to leave your shoes outside your villa on entering. In the morning you slide a foot into your shoe and find it doesn't fit anymore - because a bull frog has decided its a handy and safe place to spend the night. You walk into your bathroom and find that a snake has left its skin there - a great place to moult says Mr Snake.
The biggest obstacle that tiny Samui must first overcome is its legal status - which is that of a municipality. It's not classed as a city - and because of that anomily, the funds available from central government for such essentials as road repairs, bridge-building and drainage projects are simply not forthcoming. Thailand generally has an excellant all-weather road system but little Samui seems a place that Bangkok has entirely forgotton exists. The indigenous population is officially counted as 49,500 but Samui needs 50,000 registered voters to qualify for city status - and hence - to receive those much needed funds! But the truth is, there are already over 150,000 Thai's (from the mainland) plus tens of thousands of migrant labourers from Burma, Cambodia and Laos who are attracted by the island's building boom. Yet because the Thai workers are not registered (to vote that is) - Samui is forced to stay a municipality until it officially reaches that magical 50,000 figure. And talking of numbers, we still haven't considered the 1.2-million tourists that have to be flown in, housed, pampered, transported and fed - and then flown out again. The airport has doubled in size in the last two years alone. Most westerners who live here permentantly firmly believe that Koh Samui has already reached its limitations concerning tourist growth (which has overtaken coconuts as the main industry here) where one more straw could well break the camel's back.
The unthinkable conclusion, unless something is done quickly, is that Samui will one day eventually sink under a vast concrete jungle - and that the real jungle (the real paradise) will cease to exist altogether.
Okay then, so now you've seen some of the downside. What's left to say? Well we've told you its chaotic - but remember its Oriental chaotic and that's a whole different ballgame from being Occidental chaotic - its actually quaint to western eyes. The people here, being Buddhists, easily accept the chaos and live quite comfortably with it because to them its absolutely normal - and indeed fun. And, we have to say, the longer you live here the more normal and more funny it will appear to you too.
Yet there is a thrilling vibrancy to be experienced about this crazy little island and its incredibly friendly inhabitants. They are so friendly in fact that its embarrassing to the average westerner, who are used to people back home who hardly ever crack a smile and if they did they did - we would look at them in a strange way. But if you have these type of high expectations - of the island people themselves - you will NOT be disappointed - and that is a million percent guarantee.
The other good news, especially for Brits, Aussies and Kiwis is that driving in here is on the left-hand side of the road (supposedly). But be warned, most scooter drivers tend to ignore this rule as there are no centre lines on most roads nor are there any traffic cops with laser guns - and no speed cameras either! On nine-tenths of the island you will hardly see a car - anywhere south, west (except Nathon) and north west that is, but the other two-tenths (north-east mainly) is pure gridlock - and as we said - chaotic.
But there is ONE very unique advantage about coming here - for ALL tourists: Samui just happens to be right next door to the environmentally protected Angthong National Marine Park - and now you really are talking of tropical island paradises - where even the Stone Age has yet to visit - never mind the curse of so-called advanced technology.
Sometimes we conveniently forget that it was us (the farang) that first brought pollution to this beautiful planet of ours - the islanders are the inheritors of the mess - not the begetters - so if you want to blame anyone, blame Big Business, as in outfits like Tesco, McDonalds and Seven-Eleven - those are the ones responsible - not only on Samui - but everywhere else on the planet. They're the ones that add tons of plastic litter to the local environment - not the islanders - they recycle everything they can get their hands on! However, there is some good news on the plastic bag menace - maybe the world is at last waking up!!
If you need further proof that McDonalds have got well and truly established on Samui then take a look at Ronald here - giving it the big wai.
If we were you, we'd use Samui for its wide range of accomodation, internet cafes, shops, services, banks and ATM's - and for generally staying on. BUT then use the island as a springboard - to easily access the Angthong Marine Park and experience such breathtaking beauty that cannot be equaled anywhere on the planet.
You'll also encounter types of diseases prevelant in SE Asia and although most of these are non fatal - they can still ruin anyone's holiday! Mosquitoes abound in all tropical zones and Samui is no exception. But these are not swamp reared species and we have never heard of tourists or islanders getting malaria or anything like that. The secret though, is not to scratch ANY insect bites because that will infect them - from the bacteria in your fingernails. Just dab it with spit - that's what the islanders do and within a day it just disappers. Like all insects, mosquitoes are at the bottom of the food chain - yet without them the chain would break and we'd never see any birds, bats, lizards or snakes or indeed any other fauna. So let's here and now give three cheers for the pesky mosquitoes! Hey, you can at least buy mosquito repellant in paradise - there's eighty-odd Seven-Elevens!
But looked at another way (if we are all prepared to do so) we can help stem the negative aspects of this inevitable collision of cultures and help kick-start the healing process that tiny Samui is craving for. We can't turn the clock back but we can at least get the clock ticking to a regular harmonious beat again.
Let all those who are concerned enough, urge the central government to call a halt to the wholesale building programs that will otherwise turn Samui into one vast parking lot. If such a law was implimented the present inhabitants and developers would not suffer. In fact they would immediately benefit from a stupendous rise in the value of their existing holdings. On the other hand, more and more properties being built would only serve to devalue the existing properties. Let's face it, there are MORE than enough hotels, villas and resorts to support the existing 1.2 million visitors a year - and with occupancy levels similar to other tourist destinations (about 60-70% island-wide, season long) there is still plenty of slack to be taken up.
Let us all urge this new Thai government to adopt or adapt something special for the island of Samui alone. Something maybe like the UK's Green Belt statute in the 1950's, which stopped forever all new building projects on virgin land. The England of those times and the Samui of today are very similar case studies. Both are classed as 'small' entities and yet both are cursed with excessive growth potential - which seemingly had to devour more and more land like an insatiable monster. Of course, new buildings are not stopped altogether in the UK but they are built on 'brownfield' sites only - in other words a previously occupied piece of land. England thus narrowly retained its international pastoral image as a 'green and pleasant land' and we do not see why such foresight cannot be applied to Samui. Before the 1950's in fact - Samui didn't need a green belt law because it was all virgin land and the only buildings were made of local wood.
To ensure you get to see all the wonderful sights we advise tourists to rent a car or jeep - as its still the safest way for farangs to travel. Or use the public transport system whci consists of covered pickup trucks called 'songtails' with slatted wooden seats in the back where for 50 Baht you can go virtually anywhere on the island. There's also motorcycle taxis where you just jump on the pillion and hold the driver tightly around his waist - but cars and songtails are always safer. There's also about 400 regular licensed taxis on the island quaintly called Taxi-Meters - and yes, you've guessed it - they have no meters in their cabs, or if they do they never switch them on! Welcome to Samui.
So frankly speaking, and to end this Samui Slag Fest if you don't like mosquitoes then we suggest you go somewhere else - like Switzerland for example - and pay through the nose for buses that run on time, taxis that won't rip you off and cuckoo clocks that come with a ten-year guarantee. Where a pothole in the road would necessitate calling out the armed forces - and where a mosquito would be point blank refused an entry visa.
But if you DO come to tiny AND amazing Samui (now you know the worst of it!) all you'll need to bring is respect and acceptance of others - and for their way of life. Forget entirely any high expectations you previously might have harboured and replace them entirely with the only real thing going for us - the human experience.
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